there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
