I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
