your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
