I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just gift wrapped bread.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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