I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
