He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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