wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
