This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
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To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.