I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud