Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
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You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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