I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
