mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
