Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
