I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
