you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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