What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
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I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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