When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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