Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
