If that was your dad, he is hot
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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