Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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