i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.