I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"