I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?