dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
