it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
