'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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