there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
this is an emotional support booty call
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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