Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
