I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
