I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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