So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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