I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
