We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
