I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want to be your penis for a week.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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