Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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