Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
