I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
being pregnant is like rehab
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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