i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
