conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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