I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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