I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
