theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
