whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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