so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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