Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important