Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
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Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick