Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
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FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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