I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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