So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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