Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.