I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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