I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
