2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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