best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
