I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize