we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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