i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
