6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
