if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
