don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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