If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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