how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
